Chronicles:
Chapter Eleven
A work of fiction? A work of non fiction? The work of insanity?
You decide.
Seven. How would I ever explain about alter personalities, that they're not like counting objects, but each one in many ways as much an altered state of consciousness as an alter personality. People just would never understand about such things. Seven. My "little" alter which existed long before I ever became a victim of mind control. But that was true in one way or another of all my alter personalities in the end. Though I didn't get reacquainted with them until long after I'd become a "runner", someone who ran away from the mind controller's attempts to enslave them. I ran, but sometimes you can just never run far enough. It became such a part of my thinking that I would never again hear the name Iran without thinking about running. "I ran".
Whether or not you even believed in time anomalies they were always very difficult to grasp. Here I was as a seven year old speaking to people in some long distant future, many of whom weren't even born yet at the time that I spoke to them. And knowing about my future self as well, if only in some rather child like way. In fact, I eventually began to think that all of my true alter personalities were from some other place and time. And no few of them were earlier versions of myself. Part of that was intentional, a way of reconnecting to who I had been before mind control. Part of it just started happening in ways that I couldn't have anticipated.
The mind control program apparently looks for potentials within a person upon which to create alter egos. Alter egos in the same sort of sense that people often "put on" a different persona for work than they do for play. That's normal enough until you're traumatized and placed under continual hypnosis. Then you simply begin to live those alter egos. But by definition they don't become alter personalities until they have unique histories of their very own. Even that is an over generalization. There are any number of combinations when two conscious beings interact, even when they're in the same person. There are all sorts of in between states, and describing any of that is sort of like counting clouds. Sometimes you can, sometimes you can't. And in the end it's meaningless anyway as they just keep changing. But it's possible to identify types of clouds, or to describe the cloud of the moment. Sure, alter personalities are a bit more permanent than that. But consciousness itself... is ever changing.
People who have been mind controlled begin with a few alter egos which have been intensified through a variety of methods. Made extreme by way of intensity and duration, but employing pretty standard psychological fare. Hypnosis, behavior modification, enhanced disassociation from spending time in metaphorical worlds where life becomes poetic, sometimes wonderful, sometimes tragic, but profoundly poetic. But the phenomena doesn't stop. For whatever reason, mind control victims begin to generate many alter personalities all on their own, sometimes a thousand or more. As if the more or less programmed alter egos had just opened a doorway into some other type of consciousness where that just happens. As if the controllers themselves weren't so much attempting to create programmed alters, but were seeking to find alters hiding within an individual somewhere which could be controlled and manipulated, each one acquiring some new expertise according to some pre-existing proclivities or talents. The poetic side of it came from a simple mind control rule. No one was ever to speak about anything directly. Not ever. Under threat of punishment.
Every alter system is unique, as unique as the consciousness and the conscious experience that, is in all actuality, that alter system. But if you understandmore metaphysical approaches, Jungian collective unconsciousness and stuff like that, well, even that's highly arguable. Is consciousness like an aquarium, a closed system, or like and ocean, an open one? At any rate, as far as I know, my alter system is more than unique. It's in some category all of it's own because at least to some extent, I designed it before I entered into the mind control program.
The fact was that I had something that they wanted very badly. My mind. And they meant to have it. I could see that coming down the road. And so I did my best to prepare for it in advance. I knew they would splinter me into different personalities. And I knew that this had to happen if I was going to be able to get inside in order to do my investigations. But I had to make sure that I survived it with as much of my mind and my life intact as possible. And so I preplanned some of my alter system. The manner in which I conceptualized the plan was something like, that they were going to shatter me like a huge pane of glass. But if I deliberately created my own minor flaws I would shatter only along those creations, like safety glass. But just like shattering safety glass, not all of the results were predictable, just that there would be far fewer jagged edges. And as far as I knew nothing of the kind had ever been attempted before.
Oh, it seems brave now. But that's because it really happened. When I first conceived of it, it all seemed like a remote possibility, but one for which I had better be prepared just in case, and one that was interesting enough to hold my attention for hours on end. I had enough reason to believe that it could happen, even if I had far more rational reasons to believe that it wouldn't. My two biggest concerns were that no one was hurt, and that I wouldn't forget who I was, who I had always been. And so I fashioned alters out of my own personality. Earlier versions of myself with which I could reconnect. And that's why Seven is called Seven. That's the age at which he was made an alter, though it also includes the ages of eight and nine because it was an ongoing three year experience. That was one of the ways of naming these alters. The other was by the year in which a certain thought or event had occurred. Later there would be others, like Sixteen or 'Eighty Three. In fact it was 'Eighty Three that had put a lot of final design work into the preplanned part of alter system. That was the year that entering into the dark world of mind control began to look like an unavoidable certainty. But if I played every card that I could just right, there was a chance that I could turn the tables on them. I could expose them for all that I was worth. And since the only way out of MKULTRA was to die, it seemed like my only hope. It was them or me, because I intended at the very least to die free.
Even back then 'Eighty Three thought that perhaps the alter system could include time anomalies from the future, at least in theory anyway. But it was ten years after when 'Ninety Three introduced past life alter personalities, seven years after having officially entered into the mind control program for research as a "volunteer", even though I had little actual choice in the matter. 'Ninety Three... Oh, my God. That was the year that I began to have complete recall of everything that had happened. And it nearly killed me. But it opened up the door to a world of metaphysical implications that as far as I know, nobody had ever even dreamed of. Even so, I had learned to organize my thoughts in so many other completely rational but rather sophisticated ways by sheer necessity. There were things which were consensual fact, things about which I was pretty darned sure but couldn't prove, a great many subjects about which I was any percent sure one way or another until there was more data for analysis, and fewer and fewer things all of the time that could be ruled out entirely. I endeavored to never assume, or never even to believe anything entirely one way or the other. That allowed for the greatest flexibility when I was a media analyst, and it came to be that my life might depend upon just that same flexibility in thinking. Besides, where modern science had held so many ideas to be mutually exclusive, post modern science simply didn't. At any rate, I no longer had the luxury of thinking of my thoughts or beliefs as being insignificant. Things were going critical. And that was always like like driving a car at 120 miles an hour. One mistake and it could all be over. And not just for me.
Since began to look very much to 'Ninety Three as though at some point things were going to become very intense again he began to summon every bit of logical reasoning that he could, and started to employ a types of simple computer commands in his thinking. If "a" then "b", if "c" then"d". Much of what he was learning seemed far to incredible to be true. And yet he couldn't deny the evidence that he had already seen. It's why he thought to sort of invoke past life alters who were going to be much needed specialists. Even that was so complicated, because sometimes the past life alters seemed real enough, but as if they were visiting from the past. But they also left behind such an impression that they never really left after that either.
Learning what he had about our past and about the future put Ninety Three through every emotional extreme possible. It's difficult to remember a very bad past. It's even worse to know about a very difficult future. A very...
Then there was the usual methods of distracting oneself from the stress of overbearing situations . Sorts of play periods. Music. Movies. Stuff. Just to stop and pick up an instrument and let all of those pent up feelings flow out into some creative notion or another was to do something rather than to simply feel overwhelmed and helpless at the feet of future "consequences" for what I was apparently going to be doing. And it wasn't as though I were all alone, either, though who could ever prove otherwise in matters of telepathy?
But, right now, I think I'll go lay down for awhile. And try not to think.
End Chapter Eleven
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